i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Come back. Shots need mouths.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Randomize
