dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
This is classic penis vs brain.
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