Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
