i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
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