And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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