My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
