totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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