Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize
