the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
