don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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