At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
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