we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Randomize
