its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
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