Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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