I smell stomach acid.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
