you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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