I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
