I checked into jail on foursquare
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
