My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Randomize
