so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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