he wants to bone in the snuggie
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
