thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
