The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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