There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
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