I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Randomize
