I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
