I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
