My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
what is it with giant penises always finding me
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
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