I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Randomize
