I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
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