The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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