in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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