I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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