I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Randomize
