How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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