Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
These tits shall not be calmed
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
