Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize