Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
