I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize