I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
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