I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
