I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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