My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Randomize
