allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
