Can i not drive my cunt home
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
