oh posh. I need a real boy. To fill my void. This guy has potential. He is a Republican.
***** and i were talking about Republicans today. They are usually the champs of mediocrity but we decided mediocrity is underrated.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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