grandma shit on top of the toilet
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
