I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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