You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
