Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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