porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Randomize
