my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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