A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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