it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
