I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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