I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
