I wanna bring you to show and tell
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
