so explain again why im purple
no
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
