I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
