I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
