Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
