Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Semen is not good for contacts.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
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