I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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