Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
