You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
