i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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