My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
