I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Randomize
