Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
why do cheetos always look like penises
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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