I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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