The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
