"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Randomize
